How Harper killed the Jay’s championship dreams
BONUS COLUMN by A Caricature Of A Pothead
Yo dudes, how’s it going? Bummer about the Toronto Blue Jays losing the ALC championship. But don’t fret, friends: our bird-boys will be back!
How do I know this? Straight-up logic! We Canadians just elected a government led by the excellentest party leader in Canadian history. I’m talking about Justin Trudeau — a PM-designate who knows his way around a marijuana cigarette.
How does this help the Blue Jays? Think about it! Being a professional athlete isn’t easy. There’s unrelenting pressure to succeed. Now consider how much that pressure would be eased by the legal weed Justin Trudeau has promised to give everyone!
How relaxed would David Price have been if there was a bong in the bull pen? And what about the batters? How many dingers would José Bautista have dung if those 97 mile per hour pitches seemed to take all day to get to the plate?
Remember our last prime minister? That guy hates pot! Stephen J. Harper thinks it’s more dangerous than tobacco (he probably thinks it’s more dangerous than bacon)! But Stephen J. Harper is WRONG and his wrong-ness robbed us of real Canadian glory by stopping baseball players from getting super-high when they needed it most.
Next year, things will be different. We will have pot a-plenty for all who choose to indulge. Every top-level MLB free agent will beg his agent to hook him up with our buzz-birds! Toronto will be the destination of choice for premier players!
Thanks to Justin Trudeau, the Blue Jays will go 162 – 0 in 2016, delivering the first unbeaten season in baseball history.
At least that’s how the we’ll all remember it.
A Caricature Of A Pothead forgot to vote again this year but it turned out all right anyway.