It’s On, All Right

Forget Harper: Prairie Dog declared this election a go

EDITORIAL by Stephen Whitworth

You’ve heard the news. Whether you read the newspaper, listen to radio, watch television, stare at the Internet all day until your eyes melt onto your smartphone, or absorb information through radar telepathy, you know there’s a federal election coming.

And you probably think Stephen Harper declared it.

Nuh-uh.

Oh sure, our prime minister was the one who asked Governor General David Johnston to dissolve Parliament to launch the longest election campaign since 1872 (and most expensive ever!). But who does Johnston represent? The Queen! What kind of Prime Minister needs permission from the mewling servant of a foreign monarch to have an election?

A really crappy one, that’s what kind!

What would’ve happened if Queen Elizabeth II said “no” to Stephen Harper? No election, that’s what! Because Stephen Harper is exactly the kind of coward who’s too timid to stand up for this country’s democracy. Just look at him! He’s scared of an 89-year-old grandmother whose idea of a dog is a Corgi. A Corgi. That’s not even a real dog! More like a barking hamster!

Our Prime Minister is intimidated by hamsters. It’s time to toss the bum out.

Anyway, the truth is Prairie Dog declared this election. Yup, Prairie Dog. We enacted it with the sheer force of our disgust at what’s happened to this great nation. We decreed it with the white-hot inferno of our anger. We summoned it with our pulsing livers, swollen as they are to alarming proportions after drinking our way through four years of a malicious and corrupt Conservative majority government.

We’re sick of what Prime Minister Hamster-Fearer has been doing to this country and its noble citizens. It’s time to do something about it!

Oh, we know it won’t be easy to stop Harper. Our “prime sinister” might be a scared, angry, selfish child hermetically sealed inside a mop-headed libertarian robot exterior, but he’s got friends. Rich friends. Friends who HATE Canada, and have donated millions of dollars to Harper’s Conservatives to help keep them in power forever.

You can bet the Tories will weaponize these political donations; turning them into mighty money hammers to smash the NDP, the Liberals and the Greens into teeny-tiny bits.

But it’s going to take more than rich friends to get Harper back into office, I guarantee that.

The fact is, when we willed this election into being we knew we’d have a good chance to hurl Harper out of office. Because Prairie Dog isn’t alone in this fight. Oh hell no. This newspaper stands with the three-quarters of Canadians who do NOT want Prime Minister Weasel-Lips and his hobgoblin hordes to be in charge anymore.

And while it’s true Harper still has supporters — all the union-bashers, climate change deniers, education defunders, gun nuts, homophobes, healthcare privateers, mailbox maligners, religious extremists, veteran-haters, bad tippers and billionaire alien lizard-people have to vote for someone — most of us understand how urgent it is we punt PM Poop-Head.

It’s been a long nine years but there’s finally light at the end of the tunnel. Let’s all make sure that for Stephen Harper, that light is a runaway train of righteous democracy.

It’s on!

2015-08-06