An appreciation of Harper’s groundbreaking new sequel

BONUS COLUMN by A.G. Phlegm-Phlagm

Is there anything that you can’t do, Mr. Harper? Not only do you bust out Beatles tunes on the piano (take that, Clinton with your saxophone) and give working families the child care money they deserve, now you’ve taken a dive into the literary world!

I’m talking about Go Set a Watchman, your sequel to the leftist screed To Kill a Mockingbird.

I remember being forced to read To Kill a Mockingbird back in eighth grade. It was terrible. A black man getting off on a technicality because of a sharp-talking lawyer, if I recall? All I remember is the blackboard of my freedoms being overwritten with the chalk of Marxist tyranny.

All I can say is: bravo, Mr. Harper. Your literary game is “on fleek,” as the kids say.

But I do have a few questions for you.

Go Set a Watchman takes place 20 years after the events of To Kill a Mockingbird. Mr. Harper, why did you do that? Couldn’t you have written a sequel where the criminal character leaves the courthouse and immediately knocks over some potato chips in a convenience store, and the owner bravely takes a stand and shoots him? Or maybe he could call the cops and the cops could shoot him?

Won’t somebody shoot this guy already?

I also see that Scout is now named Jean Louise. Uh, Mr. Harper, isn’t that a girl’s name? Or worse, a French one? Why did you turn the main character of TKaM into a transexualized French person? I fully expect Scout to go back to being Scout by the end of the book, after realizing the error of his ways.

But I fully approve that Atticus Finch has changed his mind about race problems and understands the perils of mongrelization now. That was the thing the first book was missing. I’m glad to see you get it, even though Scout is a French woman in New York City now. Whatever, you still have my vote!

Finally, I do wonder if maybe To Kill A Mockingbird author Lee Harper was your grandfather and you wrote your sequel to fix his bad ideas? Hopefully you don’t mind me asking.

Anyway, I hope you can answer these questions soon. E-mail me care of Prairie Dog — the only newspaper brave enough to publish my review.

Okay, I need to get back to running this bank branch.

A.G. Phlegm-Phlagm is a lonely, divorced Condererate flag collector and author of more than two dozen customer reviews.