I’m sorry I pooped on your lawn. When I left my friend’s house (walking) I didn’t have to go, but 15 minutes later stuff was happening. And since it was after midnight and nothing nearby was open, and you had a perfect, dark corner where no one could see me from the street and I couldn’t hold it, I pooped. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I realize this is probably not going to be a satisfactory explanation for the poor property owner who found my frozen turd on his or her property, but it’s the truth. This wasn’t a prank, personal attack or twisted message from some freak who hates you. I just had to poo really, really bad and your yard paid the price.

I hope my poopsicle wasn’t too horrible to deal with. Again, I’m so sorry. If it makes you feel better, I still pooped my pants a little.

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