Wayne Gretzky’s a Conservative and that makes me sad

by Stephen Whitworth

editorialAccording to this thing I follow called “teh nooz”, beloved hockey hero Wayne Gretzky has opinions on who should be Ontario’s next Progressive Conservative leader. Gretzky, a legendary athlete I’ve always been a big fan of, is backing Barrie MP Patrick Brown, a politician who bravely stands against sanity-based sex education in schools (also, Brown’s last name is the colour of poo but that’s an editorial for another day).

So Wayne’s a Conservative, eh? Didn’t know, though I’ve been told I should’ve because A.) this has been common knowledge forever and B.) most millionaire athletes are conservatives of one stripe or another.

Still, I wonder what attracted Gretzky to this political party. Is it the fact that Conservatives favour small governments that benefit the wealthy? Is it an attraction to social conservative ideas — like women staying home to raise kids or how gay people should stay in their big, gay closets? Does he think old-timey religious values are better than modern, evidence-based secular ones?

Is it the fact that today’s Conservatives, who at the national level continue to reject calls for an inquiry into missing and murdered indigenous women, are consistently the most racist of politicians?

Did Gretzky wake up one morning and say to himself, “I know what’ll fill the gaping hockey-sized hole in my meaningless life! I’ll get behind a political party filled with angry, ignorant stumps who bash climate science and the theory of evolution, hate fact-based public policy, reject investment in public services* like health care and childhood early development, and views environmentalists as some kind of threat to national security!

“Hell yeah!” I bet he thought. “Sign me up!”

I don’t know, maybe Wayne just always liked former Ontario premier and enemy of civil society Mike Harris? That guy was great; remember when his government’s cutbacks resulted in contaminated water that killed people in Walkerton?

A Toronto Star article I read said Gretzky’s a long-time Stephen Harper supporter. I guess Gretzky likes attacks on public health care, patronage scandals, muzzled civil servants, secret police laws and ignoring climate change?

Yeah, Conservatives are awesome, good job drafting yourself onto their team, Wayne.

And thanks for being a voice for a better Canada. I know I’m proud to have been your long-time fan.

*Excluding publicly subsidized hockey rinks and NHL arenas.