Animals. We eat them, we fear them, we love them, we are them. They’re cooler than vegetables, livelier than minerals and cuter than the machines that control our thoughts from a pocket universe located in the far future. They should have their own holiday or something. Let’s make today all about the animals.
1. RIP ZOOBOOMAFOO The titual lemur of the PBS children’s show Zooboomafoo has died at the age of 20, which is probably a healthy lifespan for a lemur. He appeared in 65 episodes of the show and fathered nine children. And he did it all without even learning to read.
2. WHEN IS A TIGER NOT A TIGER? When Parisians exaggerate, I guess. A recent search for a tiger in Paris, which at one point involved some 200 police officers, was called off when experts realized that the tiger’s tracks belonged to an ordinary cat. Let’s inform the gendamerie about our ongoing Glass Tiger problem in Canada.
3. THIS STORY INVOLVES ANIMAL TESTICLES A recent study suggests that infanticide and biger testicles go together in the mammalian kingdom. It’s an evolutionary thing, though, so don’t expect overnight success if you adopt this strategy.
4. KOALA DEAL HOPEFULLY BROKERED While the leaders of the world banged out solutions to global problems at the G20 summit in Australia, their spouses met with koalas at the Lone Pine Koala Sanctuary. If we’re lucky, they reached some kind of agreement that lets hang out with koalas all day or maybe act like koalas.
5. RIP GLEN LARSON Glen Larson, creator of the original Battlestar Galactica, Magnum P.I. and Quincy M.E., has died from esophageal cancer at the age of 77. He looked a bit like a walrus and a lion blended together.
