Follow these three simple rules to win your fantasy hockey league
by Emile Grüelle
Hello, idiots! My name’s Emile Grüelle and I’m the frickin’ genius who’s gonna help you win your hockey pool. Yes, I know: you’re a contemptible imbecile who finishes last in your Yahoo league year after year. You think you’re beyond hope. Well, you know what? You are! But don’t worry: now that I’m here, things are looking up. For you! Ha ha!
All you have to do is follow my so-simple-a-brain-damaged-pigeon-could-understand-them instructions and before long, you’ll be out of the statistical basement and on top of your stupid, make-believe standings.
Listen to me, kid, and you’ll be the second most successful manager of a pretend hockey team in history. After me, Emile Grüelle, of course!
Rule One: Superstars Are For Stupes
Most fantasy sports managers think drafting players like Sidney Crosby, Steven Stamkos and Alexander Ovechkin gives them an advantage. Let the fools have their shiny stars! While they’re squandering high draft picks on the likes of Evgeni Malkin and Jonathan Quick, you’ll cunningly draft hidden gems who excel in underrated but critically important statistical categories like Hits, Penalty Minutes and Time On Ice. Deployed correctly, players like Zenon Konopka and Curtis McElhinney will give your team a dimension your opponents will be unable to comprehend.
Rule Two: The Dark Horse Rises
Top managers know that taking great players in a fantasy draft’s late rounds is essential to Internet pucky success. They’re right! But while those morons look for highly-touted rookies and stealthily good players buried on bad teams, you’ll be panning for a different kind of gold.
Take skaters with a lot of “potential” who haven’t ever accomplished anything — this is their year! Grab players in other leagues. Is this the season Alexander Radulov makes his surprise December return to the NHL? Look for players whose careers have hit bumps: alcoholics, criminals and the clinically insane are your secret weapon.
Finally, players might age but talent doesn’t. Hockey legends like Teemu Selanne, Steve Yzerman and even Wayne Gretzky are only three mid-afternoon scotches away from making the decision to lace their skates back up. And when these Hall Of Famers make their surprise return, won’t YOUR opponents be surprised that they’re all on your team?
Rule Three: Only Communists Draft Offensive Defencemen
Stay at home defence wins championships, so let the pinkos have their Shea Webers, Duncan Keiths and Erik Karlssons. You’ll be keeping fantasy pucks out of your net with Brian Lashoff and Adam Foote!
What’s that? Foote’s retired? Well hey, see rule #2, pal! Zing!
The Puck Drops Oct. 8. Will You Be Ready?
The bottom line is this: fantasy sports aren’t about “having fun” or “making friends”. They’re about drinking by yourself in front of a computer at 3 a.m. And if you wanna do that like a champ, you’ll listen to me.
See you on draft day, dumbass!
Emile Grüelle has been banned by seven different online fantasy services and is currently drunk.