Bonus Column

Something to read in a world with no moon

The following e-mail, intercepted by SETI radio telescopes, was recently discovered in an unexplored WikiLeaks cache. We present it here for both its historical value and as something to read to distract you from the ongoing planetary catastrophe following the loss of earth’s moon on Sept. 13, 1999.


From: Darren, Moonbase Alpha Recreation Director
Subject: What Do You Mean There’s Nothing To Do On Moon Base Alpha?

Hi colonists and explorers! Darren here. I’m the new recreation director on Moon Base Alpha. We all met at the impromptu Lunar Bash in the primary living quarters (although I must say that everyone was too preoccupied to come and say hello to little old me!), but I thought I’d “reintroduce myself for the first time” and clear a few items off the interactive monitor.

A couple of things have come to my attention. First, I’ve noticed that a catastrophic radioactive explosion has knocked us out of orbit and sent us spinning into deep space on an odyssey that could lead us on adventures that humankind has never known but will likely end in gruesome, cold, hungry, death. And the second thing that’s come to my attention is that no one is taking advantage of my yoga classes or signing up for the free moon volleyball tournament.

People, why aren’t you more excited about moon volleyball? Deadly radiation levels outside have really dropped over the last 24 hours! I can already hear your excuses —“Darren, we have to get suited up to go out there and every resource is incredibly scarce ” or “Darren, we’re being stalked by a screaming tentacled monster from space.”

Frankly, Moon Base Alpha, I don’t give a damn. LOL. But seriously, I don’t.

Recreation and exercise are what turn you people from a bunch of flabby mopers in taupe lounge wear to a lean, mean Moon Base Alpha machine. What if some weird radiation deep-fries your best friend? Or a heat-seeking alien invades the body of Anton Zoref over there and turns him into a predatory beast bent on reducing our home to a frozen husk? Or maybe Commander Koenig gets abducted by beautiful alien scientists who know nothing of humanity until the Commander teaches them the ways of love?

Stop laughing, people. It could happen.

The point is, we’re out of range of Earth’s transmitters, so we’re not getting any more Space News or any more episodes of As Planet Ultra Turns. We have to make our own fun now. So come to the recreational complex and we’ll do some low-gravity yoga. Or maybe we’ll go on one of my Eagle Tours to a nearby planet. I hear there’s a beautiful asteroid nearby that surely won’t harbour some hideous threat. And if does, you’ll be fit, relaxed and ready to deal with it.