Did You Know?

© Dakota McFadzeanThe Sochi Olympics

Did you know that the XXII Olympic Winter games get going on Feb. 6 in Sochi, Russia? And did you know these Olympics include hockey, luge, curling and biathlon? And did you know that these games have been marred by corruption, oppressive surveillance, the threat of terrorist attacks and the persecution of Russia’s LGBT community? Ha! I hope you didn’t know that last part, because it’s all filthy lies spread by enemies of Mother Russia!

Here are some true Sochi facts, courtesy the Russian Olympic Committee! Accept nyet substitutes!

DID YOU KNOW?

Russia was awarded the 2014 winter games on July 4, 2007, beating bids from South Korea and Austria. You know who else patriotic Russians beat? Gay people! Just joking — there are no gays in Russia and anyone who says different is a pedophile propagandist.

DID YOU KNOW?

Sochi is a popular resort city on the Black Sea. The subtropical port city is known for the genocide of the Circassian people lovely neoclassical architecture. Sochi was a favourite vacation spot of Joseph Stalin, who single-handedly planted its many beautiful palm trees in the 1930s. What? You say Stalin was purging his enemies in the ’30s? Lies! We told you, he was planting trees in Sochi!

DID YOU KNOW?

Russia’s greatest hero is President Vladimir Vladimirovich Putin. Putin was prime minister from 2008-2012; he was president before that, and now he’s president again. Surely he is wondrous! This great man wrestles bears shirtless and lifts cars over his head, one in each mighty hand. Putin, who was once the KGB’s best secret agent, is the manliest and most handsome man in Eurasia, and his mighty pec muscles make all ladies swoon. Surely this recently divorced shirtless man is not gay!

DID YOU KNOW?

The city of Sochi has lots of stray dogs. Many think these mutts are friendly, adorable “puppy-wuppikins” and they’re very cross that a pest control firm has been hired to exterminate them. Do not be fooled! These conniving canines HATE our Olympic ways and are secretly plotting to spread homosexual propaganda, anti-Putin slander, despicable Western culture and disgusting dog-germs. Plus, terrorists put bombs in them. Not so cute now are you, dogs? Soon to be DEAD dogs! Ha!

2014-02-06