Your 2014 Horoscope

Rationalists will argue, but the truth is our fates are determined by the esoteric interactions of stars, planets, moons and constellations. That’s just the way it is. That said, forewarned is forearmed. Since Prairie Dog is committed to you having the best possible 2014, we offer this helpful astrological forecast. Use it to improve your life and gain advantages over friends who stupidly don’t read Prairie Dog.

Capricorn (Dec. 23-Jan. 20)

True love is just around the corner in 2014! Specifically, the corner of Gordon Road and Lewvan Drive. Buy supplies, set up camp and wait. Your persistence will be rewarded.

Aquarius (Jan. 21-Feb. 19)

This is the year for you to explore your creative side! Avoid unsupportive and negative people. Remember, one person’s arson is another’s performance art.

Pisces (Feb. 20-Mar. 20)

Your hard work may not be appreciated (or rewarded) this year. Hang in there. You’ll be dead soon enough and then it won’t matter. Besides, nobody likes a show-off.

Aries (March 21-April 20)

This autumn, you may become interested in politics. If so, look for people with political ideas different from yours. Correct their childish, incorrect opinions every time they open their stupid yaps. If you don’t set family, friends and co-workers straight, who will?

Taurus (April 21-May 21)

Your cat is fed up with you ignoring her purr-fectly helpful advice. Why won’t you admit how shitty your life choices always are? Seriously, just listen to the cat. She knows.

Gemini (May 22-June 21)

You may find yourself plagued by doubts in 2014. Embrace them. Question everything you believe and second-guess everything you do. Obsess over all the terrible things that could happen at any moment. Remember, you’re always just one step away from total disaster. Beware!

Cancer (June 21-July 23)

Your patience will be tested in 2014 as family draw you into their absurd dramas and petty conflicts. Who cares who forgot whose anniversary or why Mom shot Aunt Margaret in the leg? Rise above the discord.

Leo (July 24-Aug. 23)

Enough moderation — life is to be lived! Commit yourself to eating deep-fried, high-calorie snacks at least once every three hours. Keep boxes of potato chips by the bed for midnight munching. Carpe diem!

Virgo (Aug. 24-Sept. 23)

The coming year is likely to be very spiritual for you, but make sure you embrace the  correct faith. If you pick the wrong one your flesh shall be seared in infernal cauldrons as demons hew at you for all eternity.

Libra (Sept. 24-Oct. 23)

You will get a new pet this year. Perhaps a snake? Snakes are awesome and everyone should have at least four. A tarantula is also an option. Avoid poodles.

Scorpio (Oct. 24-Nov. 22)

Aliens will again try to abduct you this July. Won’t they ever learn? Stay inside after sunset and lay traps to thwart extraterrestrial intruders. Motion sensor alarms and trip wire-activated spear guns will, as always, save the day.

Sagittarius (Nov. 23-Dec. 22)

You will have astoundingly good luck this year. Unless everything goes wrong. Then you’re fucked.