Weekly ReckoningI’m feeling a little nervous about the phrase “third time’s the charm.” What charm? Where? Is it a half-decent charm? Does it come in the mail? Does a guy show up at your door on a stormy night with a mysterious (and charm-containing) box? Does he hand over the box without a word or say “This is for you… natch”? Who says “natch” anymore? Did anyone ever say “natch” outside of Archie comics? So many relevant questions.

1. THINGS IN THE U.S. STILL HORRIBLE AND BEWILDERING, THANK YOU. I stopped following the depraved goings-on in American politics a few weeks ago, because the whole situation is so appalling that the only rational response is to sit in a corner and cry until everything’s fixed. Anyway, never mind the government shutdown, because the debt default is only days away.

2. ON THE PLUS SIDE, A GUY AND HIS DOG ARE PLAYING FETCH IN THE PARK ACROSS THE STREET. It’s kind of amazing to watch, actually, as this compact checkered dog takes off across the field, making an inerrant beeline for a no-doubt slobbery ball. It makes me wonder why we do what we do, which includes taking an hour or two on a Sunday afternoon to throw an object over a dog’s head. Do we get as much enjoyment out of it as dogs? Do dogs project their emotional states into inanimate objects? Or are dogs just humoring us? Be gentle with us, dogs. We’re fragile creatures.

3. BUT THEN WE DISCOVER THAT CELEBRITIES LIE AND ARE PLUNGED BACK INTO DESPAIR. Michael Douglas straight-up lied about his cancer. It was located on his tongue, not his throat.

4. WHAT DO ROCK STAR MICHAEL HUTCHENCE AND SERIAL KIDNAPPER ARIEL CASTRO HAVE IN COMMON? The answer may surprise you! Or it may not. I can’t judge your capacity for surprise in this jaded era. Anyway, the answer rhymes with “schmalleged schmauto-erotic schmasphyxiation.”

5.I WONDER IF HUTCHENCE AND CASTRO WILL BE REUNITED WITH LESUS IN HEAVEN. You’d better run out right now to grab your commemorative Vatican coin, because the first striking spells Jesus’ name as “Lesus.” Typo? Maybe – or maybe the Vatican has let slip its greatest secret of all. So if you want a good seat in the afterlife, start praying to our Lord and Saviour Lesus. Natch.