I’m worried I haven’t been smoking enough crack to reach the heights of “prominent hockey analyst.” SAVE ME, BROADCASTING SCHOOL! (Pow! You’ve been goofed on roughly one week after it was relevant, Rob Ford scandal!) Let’s Aw NHL Naw.

The 2013 IIHF World Hockey Championship has come and gone. *gives you a moment to minimize the window of Backdoor Teen Mom screencaps you were making snarky comments about to doublecheck that the World Championships happened this year* I know, right? Growing up as a bison-bitten tyke in the wilderness of Manitoba, I remember the World Hockey Championship feeling vaguely important. Like if Canada lost to Sweden, we’d all be sentenced to work in King Carl Gustaf’s oppressive fishmines. GET YOUR TORSK-CAKED HANDS OFF ME, SWEDISH OPPRESSOR! I THOUGHT THESE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE GUMMI FISH! (I was not a bright child.)

I didn’t catch much of this year’s WHC. I pretty much just caught that one game where Canada looked like they were going to lose to Slovenia and was bummed out that Canada pulled out the win. As a result, I missed out on all the exciting European brands that I could be buying. (Go Škoda!) I’m 80% sure that most of the products being advertised out the ass at IIHF events do not exist. They’re probably secretly filthy European phrases. Like “Zepter” is a hilarious inside joke about genital goo that only Europeans understand. “Hahahaha! We made Jordan Staal wear ‘Zepter’ on his visor! Doesn’t he know that’s slang for grümstoun? LØL!”

World Hockey Championship Fever: Catch It!

Czech Ad Break: Fire fraud = max fireman cake blowing! (Or something.)

Second Round Knockout: Shh! Don’t tell anyone, but the second round of the playoffs kinda sucks. A lil’ while back, I went on a big ramble about how you can still force yourself to enjoy the second round for a variety of reasons. (Some valid, even!) Still, it takes a lot to keep the malaise away and the second round is like a fucking tidal wave of the stuff.

The momentum of first round excitement comes crashing to a halt in Round 2. There are fewer games, bigger gaps, more interviews on the mythology of hockey (GET READY TO LEARN ABOUT WHAT DARRYL SUTTER HAS TO SAY ABOUT “HEART”) and an overwhelming sense of dread knowing that a team you hate is going to clog up the Stanley Cup Finals and leave you to spend that time watching MasterChef instead. (Do not fill that time with MasterChef.) It’s a bit of a slog. Hang in there.

“Get your dick out of your heart! Do you even know what the kids on the street are listening to?”: TSN did a piece today on how the Senators celebrate wins by playing “You Make My Dreams” by Hall & Oates. The report was mostly: Can you imagine young people listening to music that was recorded before they were born? WHAT’S NEXT? THE ENTIRE TEAM REPLACING THEIR SKATES WITH WAGON WHEELS? IS MARC METHOT GOING TO CUT OFF A DUDE’S HEAD AND THROW IT DOWN THE TEMPLE STEPS IN THE SECOND INTERMISSION? THE PAST IS CRAZY!

It’s another reason to glom onto the #PeskySens during their playoff quest. They’re fighting the good fight by not incorporating the sounds of Journey into their run. For that alone they should be given priceless medallions.

Have a good hockel this week, hockey gang.

Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He’s still pretty upset that Finland was robbed at Eurovision.