As everyone but me probably heard already, the papal conclave picked the man (note: no women!) who will lead the Holy Roman Catholic Church forward to new adventures in sexist discrimination, attacks on gay and lesbian rights (and rites),opposition to divorce and birth control and whatever other rando ju-ju mysticism* that cloistered (and often closeted) Catholic wizards are selling these days. Everyone, meet cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, a.k.a. Pope Francis!

(Alas,they didn’t pick Canadian cardinal Marc Ouellett. Guess he’ll have to keep his secret pope-identity hidden for now.)

Let me just say, the conclave picked this pope in the nick of time because there’s all sorts of ungodly perversion going on that needs Pope Frank’s immediate attention. For instance: today’s Leader-Post has a story on Saskatchewan wildlife’s tough winter. Just look at this blasphemy:

Among the deer population, pregnant does are more likely to reabsorb their fawns rather than give birth, which will further affect their numbers into 2014. The decline will no doubt affect hunters when provincial officials set quotas and season lengths for the different species in early spring.

In other words, in the absence of a pope Canadian deer are giving themselves abortions to protect their offspring from hunters’ guns (which is clearly God’s perogative, not a mother deer’s).

Does Pope Frank have something up his sleeve for this sort of theological situation? We can only hope.

*Giving sanctuary to pedophiles