What’s that Thursday afternoon malt liquor? You want me to launch a remarkably unnecessary NHL column on the Dog Blog? Alright, but only on the condition that I can post a screencap from Onyx’s “React” video. I’ve already done that? Okay, let’s get this show on the road.

Put on your knife boots and wear your finest sweater with a fancy picture on it, cuz hockey’s back. Well, it’s not so much back as the NHL’s back. REMEMBER THOSE OWNERS, PLAYERS & EXECS THAT FUCKED YOU OVER? THEY WANNA POWERHANG AND THEY KNOW YOU’RE GONNA MILHOUSE OUT AND SPRINT RIGHT BACK TO THEM! Which is exactly what I’m doing. The new season is giving me the vapours (prepare my fainting duffle!) and I have unreasonable expectations for all the hot ice man on ice man action that’s going to be all up in my lockout shortened schedule.

Full Disclosure Part 1: I have no business writing a hockey column. My (non street) hockey playing experience amounts to minor hockey from age 8 to age 14. I was a forward and a remarkably shit one at that. I was a bad skater with a terrible work ethic and zero shame in overcelebrating any goal I ever scored. (A 2nd period goal to make it a 2-2 game? I WILL SELANNE THE SHIT OUT OF THIS OCCASION!) I think I had my moments in playing mini sticks though. Keep your head on a swivel for my mini sticks column, I’m sure it’ll have more credibility.

Full Disclosure Part 2 – 2 Disclosure 2 Furious: I didn’t watch the World Juniors this year. I haven’t watched them in a while, actually. It’s neat part of the year, though. Mainly because there are so many homophobic dudes foaming at the mouth about the muscle definition of teen boys.

“God!” *bites lip* “If someone could just harness that seventeen year old Swiss thoroughbred and work him hard, that’d make me a happy man.” – sample thing a conservative Canadian dad says around the World Juniors

Full Disclosure Part 3 – Disclosure Beach Party USA: I’m a Winnipeg Jets fan. This is because 1) I grew up in Manitoba 2) My family doesn’t watch hockey so I got to pick my own team 3) I’m dumb 4) There’s an outside chance that I saw Teppo Numminen eating a pizza once and mentally associated him with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (see #3) 5) RIDE IN TO THE DANGER ZONE!

There are a lot of things that are kinda shitty about being a Jets fan. They’ll probably never win a Stanley Cup, the team has a tendency to leave town and break your heart into bite size chunklets, they use Rev Theory as their “goal song” and Kings of Leon for intro music and once they put out a creepy white power sounding Wang Chung parody. It’s a life of magic and whimsy! BUT WE HAVE OLLI JOKINEN THIS YEAR SO EVERYONE CAN SUCK IT!

(Note: No one has to “suck it”. Olli Jokinen will be a pleasant addition to the club, but the team’ll still miss the playoffs and an alarming amount of Jets fans will still be racist dickholes when it comes to Evander Kane. Seriously Winnipeg, why you gotta be butt bloats when it comes to Evander Kane?)

Unnecessary Prediction Rodeo

Eastern Conference Finals: Pittsburgh defeats Boston (4-2)

Western Conference Finals: Los Angeles defeats Chicago (4-3)

Stanley Cup Finals: Pittsburgh defeats Los Angeles (4-0)

Conn Smythe Winner: Evgeni Malkin (Pit)

Hart: Henrik Lundqvist (NYR)

Vezina: Henrik Lundqvist (NYR)

Hot Guitar Action of the Year: Henrik Lundqvist (NYR) h/t Puck Daddy

Art Ross: Evgeni Malkin (Pit)

Richard: Steven Stamkos (TB)

Bombay Award For Effort and Dude I Totally Had Sex With Your Mom: Conway (Ducks)

Norris: Duncan Keith (Chi)

Calder: Justin Schultz (Edm)

Selke: Pavel Datsyuk (Det)

President’s Medal For Hockey Arena Safety: Darren McCord (Sudden Death)

Lady Byng: Loui Eriksson (Dal)

Jack Adams: Kirk Muller (Car)

Number Of Blue Jackets Games Until Editor Stephen Whitworth Suffers A Massive Stroke: 26

Enjoy yer hockey, pals!

Hang out with Dan on Twitter or in the comments. He’s got American Pride.