PIPE DOWN, WRETCHED MORTALS
Hey human douchebags. Having a nice time up there as you play out your innocent lives on the surface, unaware of the horrors that lurk beneath and beyond you? Because I’m really aware of you. Know why? You’re so fucking loud. I’m trying to sleep down here in the stone city of R’lyeh, dreaming through strange aeons until even Death Itself might die. But can I? No, because you’re screwing around with your music concerts and sonar pings and just generally staying up late when even the Elder Gods know to get some sleep. So shut up and go to bed, for your Christ’s sake. I’ll be up to eat you in another millennium or so. /Cthulhu
PH’NGLUI MGLW’NAFH CTHULHU R’LYEH WGAH’NAGL FHTAGN Queen City Confidential is an open forum for Scary Dog readers to anonymously and possibly posthumously over-share their tales of an existence so horrible it’s all they can do to not rip out their own eyes to be spared the sight of it all. We print your tales of possession, cannibalism, hauntings, vampirism, lycanthropy, human sacrifices and rants about trivial pet peeves and petty injustices. In a pinch we’ll even print secret incantations to summon your favourite elder god or extra-dimensional entity. E-mail email@example.com (type CONFIDENTIAL in the subject field). Change all the names and identifying details. Submissions must be 100-200 words long and will be edited though hopefully not much.