by a Sleestak


Hey, everybody! Hey! Ssssss. Sssssss. SSSSSSSSSSSS.

Glad I got your attention.

I’ve got some bad news and good news, folks. The bad news is that our attempt to bring eternal darkness down on the Land and gain 24-hour access to delicious Altrusian moths has backfired in the worst way possible. I won’t bore you with the details, but as you can see, the sun’s back out and most of the moths are dead. Ssssssso, that was a bust.

The good news is that we’re finally in a position to get rid of the Marshall family. Let’s face facts: ever since those three soft-skinned meatsacks fell through a time portal into our world, they have been fucking our shit up on a regular basis.

As Sleestaks, we have to deal with intruders and weird aliens on a regular basis. There’s that crazy guy with the cannon who hunts us for food sometimes. There’s that British guy with the umbrella and that bullshit forcefield generator. How many hours of our lives have been wasted clawing and hissing at forcefields?

But the Marshalls are the worst. Remember when they set our god on fire? Who does that? Why are we paying the price for their inability to show up and not set gods on fire? How about the time they bombed us? Or threw us into the pit where our hungry god dwells? Seriously, how many times have we captured the Marshalls and chained them to the walls of our nursery, only to let them escape?

My Sleestak comrades: the Marshall family is a stack of toasted assholes with bastard syrup on the side. I say we take advantage of the massive earthquake that just inexplicably occurred and attack them in the Temple while they’re trying to find their way back home.

We’ll capture them, drag them back to the Lost City and chain them to the walls of our nursery, where they will serve as food for the hatchlings. And this time we’re not going to trade them for a pig. We’re not going to wander off while they come up with a plan. And we’re not going to let some snooty Altrusian waltz in and create a forcefield while the Marshalls run off. I am so sick of standing around in doorways going “ssssssssss” and waving my arms around like some kind of jackass.

Who’s in?