1. A CANADIAN POLITICAL PRIMER FOR AMERICANS. One of my favourite web sites out there, The Awl, has an explanation of the state of Canadian politics for American readers. It’s written in that slightly waggish tone that characterizes the site. Featuring that saucy picture of Avril Phædra Douglas “Kim” Campbell, PC, CC, QC, whom we should all remember from those 132 days in 1993 when she was our Prime Minister. Not only is she our only woman politician to serve as Prime Minister, she’s probably the only one with a diphthong in her name.

2. WHOLE LOTTA KILLING AND POSING GOING ON. Mark Boal, who wrote The Hurt Locker, has an article in the latest Rolling Stone on a series of civilian killings in Afghanistan by US forces. Called “The Kill Team,” it’s a difficult read at points (unless you’re into graphic descriptions of soldiers killing children and mutilating their corpses) but well worth it.

3. AGGGHHHHH. Stephen Harper downloaded the correct music protocols into his cybermesh neuron unit and played John Lennon’s Imagine with Winnipeg YouTube sensation Maria Aragon, a 10 year old who had no way of knowing that Harper, a cyborg from Alpha Centauri more interested in supply-side economics than parliamentary democracy, was calculating her value in terms of basic atomic elements. He needs enough selenium to power his ship back home to Centauri-5, you see.

4. OBAMA LIKES CANADA FOR ITS PRECIOUS, PRECIOUS ENERGY. US President Obama discussed a plan to reduce oil imports to the States as part of a strategy for reducing America’s dependence on Middle Eastern and North African oil. Along with Brazil and Mexico, Obama cited Canada as a stable and reliable energy supplier. You know what that means, right? Let’s jack up prices! Gouge them now! It’ll take them a while to figure out what we’re doing. But until then – free jet skis for every Canadian. The first politician to work that into his platform gets my vote.

Also, a fast jet ski will keep me away from Harper when he comes to harvest my selenium.

PS. Lest anyone accuse me of anti-Harper bias, rest assured that I also think that Ignatieff is a remotely controlled automaton and Jack Layton is like a half-completed sketch of a politician that someone forgot to finish when the phone rang and it was those damn telemarketers again.