Please keep in mind that, even though I’m writing this blog post in a towel, I’m doing it with the utmost professionalism and not a little dignity.

After 28 years, Regis Philbin is stepping down from his hosting duties at “LIVE! with Regis and Kelly”. But don’t worry – LIVE! isn’t DEAD! and neither is Regis. Regrettably he’s not UNDEAD! either, so we don’t have the spectacle of a shambling, leprous Philbin attacking tourists on Fulton Street to enjoy. Maybe he could launch a vaudeville tour with Larry King?

A new host has not yet been named by entertainment mom-n-pop enterprise Disney-ABC. However, they have promised that Regis’ replacement will undergo the Trial Of Ripa, in which the LIVE! co-host cruelly and repeatedly cuts into the supplicant’s flesh with her razor-sharp jawline.