1. 24 HOURS UNTIL THEY GIVE US THE SCOOP ON ALL THOSE ABDUCTIONS. Tomorrow afternoon, NASA is hosting a press conference “to discuss an astrobiology finding that will impact the search for evidence of extraterrestrial life“. The press conference will stream life from NASA’s web site tomorrow at 2:00 pm EST at www.nasa.gov. Astrobiology = life in space. I can’t wait to find out that tiny impressions in a rock on some planetary may be fossilized bacteria.

2. THE FEDERAL RESERVE WOULD LIKE TO SHOW YOU SOMETHING. If you’d like to see every last detail on all the transactions that went into the U.S. bailout of Wall Street, I have good news for you. The Federal Reserve has posted the whole thing to their website. The strangest detail so far? Ben Bernanke has a titanium body with a nuclear fusion cell core. Of greater interest, perhaps, is the news that Canadian banks benefited from the bailouts as well.

3. WOMEN ARE NO LONGER AFRAID TO DRINK WHISKY, ARE NOW WANTONLY DRINKING THE STUFF. Once upon a time, women didn’t go near whisky unless they were men – which they were not. In fact, a woman’s greatest fear was being attacked by a stranger and forced to drink whisky. Not any more! “The new whisky regime is full of smart, sophisticated women who aren’t afraid to experiment with their drink or flaunt their considerable knowledge of it.” That’s right: whisky regime change. The article doesn’t cover the topic of whether whisky-tippling will destroy marriage chances for these brave drunken ladies, but I eagerly await such a follow-up.

4. I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE TO SEE THIS HAPPEN. Gene Makowsky is going to run for the Saskatchewan Party! Will he wear his jersey in Question Period? How about his entire outfit? Instead of repeatedly buttoning and unbuttoning his suit jacket in the style of Brad Wall, he could remove his helmet and wipe the glistening expanse of his brow before delivering a devastating rejoinder to the angry NDP mob across the aisle. Makowsky plans to run in the November 7, 2011 election in the Regina Dewdney riding, which is currently held by MLA Kevin Yates.

CONTENT II: THE BONUSING. The floor-cleaning shoe has been invented at long last; US government pressure has booted Wikileaks from its servers at amazon.com, because it’s okay to bomb the crap out of Afghanistan for a decade but not to embarrass diplomats; and the ever-awesome websites The Awl and Splitsider are hosting Classic Simpsons Week, with some truly excellent articles written by former Simpsons writers. I haven’t paid attention to The Simpsons in years, but these articles remind me that it used to be the best thing going on TV.