Timely advice for kaiju attacks
As most sea dwellers (fish, barnacles, turtles, more fish) and coastal dwellers (fishermen, fishmongers, grizzled retired sea captains) know, living by/beneath the ocean is a rewarding experience. But it does not come without certain dangers, to wit: sharks of various sizes, jellyfish of ill intent with gross pulpy stuff inside, and kaiju.
With the imminent marine conversion of Regina from semi-arid plain to magnificent inland sea, we are set to reap the benefits of underwater living. But as we celebrate, let’s not forget the very real possibility that malevolent creatures may arise and terrorize us with their massive bulk, radioactive vision-rays and timely social metaphors. Even though kaiju have shown a weird preference for Tokyo, San Francisco and New York, we should remember that Saskatchewan is an extremely important place with a growing economy, so duh, I’m sure that humongous monsters will want to check us out.
Fortunately, there are a few things that citizens can do to avoid summoning or provoking these horrendous beasts. Please follow these simple rules and we should all be fine, Neptune willing.
1. NO NUCLEAR TESTING Seriously, don’t set off any atomic bombs. How did you acquire radioactive material in the first place? If you have any radioactive material, put it down and walk to your nearest jail. Stay there.
2. DON’T DESALINATE, DEHYDRATE OR DUMP MYSTERIOUS COMPOUNDS INTO BODIES OF WATER Yeah, that’s right, just tip over that barrel marked ‘Serum X’ into the reservoir. Moron. You’re asking for some winged, mutated moth-horror to burst out of the water, seeking a new habitat and laying waste to the surrounding area.
3. JUST, UM, NO WEIRD EXPERIMENTS ON GIANT GLOWING EGGS, OKAY? This is for all you curious kids and obsessive scientists. What do you think is in those eggs? Science? No. It’s monsters.
Despite these precautions, there’s no guarantee that we’ll remain free of gigantic beasts re-enacting their ancient turf wars in the watery streets of our sunken city. In the event that the unthinkable happens, emergency responders will attempt to herd the monsters into the stadium for a pancake breakfast/meet-and-greet/extermination attempt.
Unless there’s a Riders game on, in which case the kaiju will have to buy a ticket like the rest of us.
Yours in manageable moisture,
The Palinode
Mayor of the Sea
