Get ready for the biggest transportation advance since the palanquin
by A.G. Trebuchet
Another morning stuck in rush-hour traffic, contemplating the licence plates and obnoxious bumper stickers of fellow commuters. Isn’t there a better way? Sure, you could buy a bicycle, take the bus or hail a taxi — but all things being equal, I’d rather take my home-made catapult to work.
That’s right, hipsters — I’ve got some artisanal angular momentum to propel you to your destination of choice. I’ve already built the launching mechanism in my garage and repurposed a couple of Barcaloungers® to make sure that when you’re catapulted, you’re catapulted in comfort.
Think of it — the freedom of never having to worry about traffic jams again. Just step out the door, take a seat and hit the button. In moments you’re soaring through the air in a smooth arc, your destination approaching fast. Really fast.
Wait, I just realized that we’re going to need some padding to deal with your body slamming back into the ground at terminal velocity. I see two solutions: either rely on the nanny state to install giant mattresses around the city, or develop a suit to absorb the crushing forces as your fragile carcass crashes into the pavement just a few feet from your destination (maybe your workplace or that great new nightclub you’ve been wanting to check out).
I’m also developing a smartphone app called Pulty that will let you schedule your catapult ride, lease your catapult time to others, and even let you see who else is catapulting in your area. Catch some “wicked air” on your last ride? Share your story with attractive local catapulters!
There are still a few details to work out, but that won’t stop me from realizing my dream of turning catapults into the next Uber. Soon people will be flying through the air like giant grasshoppers. Come by any time and check out my prototype — just go around the back and knock on the basement window. Or visit my Kickstarter! A $500 pledge will get you a free ride and a sweet T-shirt.
A.G. Trebuchet is an artist, inventor and competitive slingshot participant. Investment inquiries welcome — e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org.